We Can Do Hard Things: Silent Sex Queen Podcast
I love this podcast and I love this author. She is insightful, wise, funny, and sometimes totally ridiculous but is self-aware enough to know it. I also really love her relationship with her wife, Abby, and that she’s been so open about all she’s learned in that new relationship, especially because it was her first same gender relationship. Hearing Glennon talk about her views about sex and being used as a sexual object by her former male partners (who most of them she admits didn’t care about her sexual pleasure) makes me sad because it is something I have heard from a lot of female clients and friends. Why do women allow ourselves to not be a driver in our own lives, especially sexually? I know there is so much negative that comes from our society in terms of messages about sex, especially for women. Women are taught that they should be spending all their time, energy and money on looking sexually appealing to others and looking like you enjoy sex and want it all the time but also given strong messages about not looking too sexual, having too much sex or with too many people, and enjoying it too much or they risk getting labeled a slut or worse. It is confusing, contradictory and it feels impossible to get it right.
Brene Brown talks about sources of shame for women as being rooted in these conflicting messages and never feeling one is “good enough”. Finding the balance for oneself in feeling sexy, empowered and wanted in whatever form that looks like for you is a difficult thing to do. Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and feel worthy of that pleasure is a critical part of self-care and growth. Once you feel worthy of pleasure and know what that is for you and how to get it (a whole other area of exploration), then you have to learn how to communicate that knowledge to a partner. Whew, that can be exhausting. But, oh so worth it. Learning to love yourself and feel confident in your body and in asking for what you need is an essential skill set and something most of us are struggling with daily. This is definitely a “it’s about the journey, not the destination” type of situation. Start today by exploring what kind of physical sensations bring you pleasure. Explore your five senses to discover what touches, sounds, smells, tastes, and sights truly bring you joy. Sit in that pleasure and really soak it in. You are worth it.
And, let me be clear-- the crap that Glennon’s therapist said when she told her that she was in love with Abby and that she was too angry and upset to have sex with her husband again was enraging to me. No quality therapist should say any of the statements she made to Glennon. She dismissed Glennon’s feelings, her experiences, and encouraged her to stay in her marriage and let herself be used sexually rather than risk rocking the boat. When I read Untamed, Glennon’s book where she first told this story, I literally threw the book across the room and began swearing at the therapist for sharing such awful advice and for negatively impacting the view of therapists in our world. Quality therapy is a place to allow people to explore their feelings, their behaviors and values and see how they come together to create a cohesive person that you want to be. Sometimes that means rocking the boat in your world, sometimes it means blowing up the boat entirely and finding a new way to get around your world. Therapy is not easy but it shouldn’t be this hard and should never feel this invalidating. You deserve better.
