A Review of Polysecure by Jessica Fern
There have been a lot of books written about how to have successful and lasting polyamorous relationships. The ones that I see cited most often are The Ethical Slut and More Than Two. I love both of those books, and do recommend them, but by far my favorite and most recommended book about polyamory is Polysecure. The author, Jessica Fern, is a psychotherapist who specializes in working with polyamorous relationships, and she wrote Polysecure because she noticed a gap in literature that addressed how a person’s attachment style shows up for them in polyamorous relationships.
There are several reasons I love this book. It is divided into thirds, and I find myself recommending the first third to anyone that has relationships (which is everyone), because it discusses attachment theory in a beautifully accessible manner. Her explanation avoids overly scientific jargon and gives a succinct but thorough overview of how attachment, both secure and insecure, looks in children, but takes it a step further and provides information as to how the four attachment styles can manifest in adults. She also includes several helpful charts and graphs that give a lovely visual description of attachment styles that so many of my polyam clients (and monogamous clients!) have found helpful. This book is worth reading for the first section alone--understanding your attachment style is key to moving toward healthy and securely attached relationships and friendships.
The middle section dives into consensual non-monogamy (CNM). She writes about CNM in a refreshingly nonjudgmental way, and offers a thorough survey of the various ways CNM shows up for different people (from swinging and “open” relationships all the way to kitchen-table polyamory). This section is useful reading for polyamorous and nonmonogamous people alike, whether you are polyam and seeking to have a deeper understanding of your own relationship style, monogamous and seeking to destigmatize CNM for yourself, or a clinical provider looking to learn how to provide better care to your polyamorous clients. Fern does a good job of not prioritizing one type of CNM over another, which I found beautifully refreshing, and something that is often lacking in other books about CNM. She does not demonize swinging or hierarchical polyamory, but instead emphasizes the importance of communication and fostering secure attachment with yourself and your partner(s).
In the final third of the book, Fern combines the concepts of attachment theory and polyamory and emphasizes how important it is to cultivate a secure attachment with yourself before you dive into securely attaching with multiple partners. She writes about the fact that the way we relate to ourselves is directly and inseparably linked with how we relate to our partner(s). Fern encourages deep and vulnerable introspection into building secure attachment with yourself, through the HEART model (Here, Expressed Delight, Attunement, Rituals, and Turning Towards After Conflict). She encourages readers to be present with themselves, express delights in themselves, become attuned to their emotions and desires, create rituals that foster their love and relationship with themselves, and to forgive themselves and offer compassion in times of conflict. It is also through the HEART model that she offers tips and insight into how to do these things in multiple relationships, as a pathway to secure attachment.
If you are grappling with difficulties in polyamory, or even having trouble bringing up the idea to an existing partner, give Polysecure a skim. It offers an accessible and hopeful perspective for folks who are new to polyamory and for folks who have been doing it for 30 years. If you read through the book and realize that there is something bigger going on than just “garden variety” relationship difficulties please contact us. We are here, we are knowledgeable, and we want to partner with you to cultivate beautiful and securely attached relationships, no matter the structure.
