I'm Coming Out
As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community coming out can be unbelievably scary. It is already hard enough to come out to yourself, especially when battling your own internalized homophobia, but coming out publicly can be incredibly difficult. It is important to come out to yourself and begin to establish a better sense of identity and make decisions on what will make you happy. You do not owe anyone a coming out and you can pick and choose who you share your identity with and how you do that. If you want to make a big public announcement, have a coming-out party, or keep it secret, the only thing that matters is that you are happy and safe. This blog post explores my own coming-out story along with helpful information on coming out to those around you as well as resources to support you in your journey.
It took years to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t straight, growing up in a rural conservative area there were no examples of queer culture to help me understand my sexuality sooner. I’ve come to understand and label my sexuality as pansexuality, meaning that gender does not affect my romantic or sexual attraction. To be more specific, pansexuality can be defined as “the romantic, emotional, and/or sexual attraction to people regardless of their gender. Like everyone else, pansexual people may be attracted to some people and not others, but the gender of the person does not matter. People of any gender identity can and do identify as pansexual” (Lowell, 2021). After coming out to myself at roughly 20 years of age, I had to determine who was safe to come out to as well. I first came out to my boyfriend at the time, casually dropping into a conversation that I also found myself attracted to women and other gender identities. Unfortunately, he wasn’t super receptive as he was battling internalized homophobia and misconceptions as to the intentions of a partner with an interest in other gender identities. After some tough conversations, he soon came to understand my perspective and was respectful of my identity and what that meant within our monogamous dynamic. I then came out to his sister and my family as well, casually dropping it into conversations and thankfully, I was met with full support and understanding.
Throughout the past few years, I have come out now to partners, friends, and family. I have never made a big public statement online or been prominent with my identity as I do not personally feel the need to. I have gradually shared my identity as I saw fit, occasionally sharing LGBTQIA+ affirming content online, sharing my romantic interests, or whatever else I care to share with the world around me. I am also aware that some of my previous college acquaintances, previous employers, and community members would not be as receptive to my sexual identity. While I do not care what anyone thinks of my sexuality, I also wish to surround myself with positive and affirming individuals and don’t wish to place myself in a situation that is uncomfortable or even potentially unsafe. As a queer cis-gendered woman in her mid-twenties, I am now intentional with the people I surround myself with, choosing to surround myself with family and friends that I can be open with and even ensuring that the clients I work with are affirming as well. Having spent twenty years within the closet, slowly emerging from the safety of its confines has allowed me to truly embrace my identity and reach a level of happiness and trust I had never been able to achieve before. I guess in a way, this blog post is my public coming out!
“Coming out is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing your sexual orientation/identity” (University of Washington, 2022). When you are ready to come out, take it slow and move at the pace you see fit, sharing with whomever you wish however you wish. The most important thing is to keep your safety in mind. “Coming out involves facing societal responses and attitudes toward LGBTQ people. You may feel ashamed, isolated, and afraid” (University of Washington, 2022). While coming out can be terrifying, the feeling of embracing your true identity and surrounding yourself with supportive individuals can be so freeing.
When coming out, keep these things in mind:
Practice coming out. Think about what and how you might come out and prepare to answer potential questions, planning for a multitude of reactions and responses. Take time to read and learn about the coming out experiences of other queer people.
Educate yourself on the LGBTQIA+ community to help you better understand yourself, and your peers, and be prepared to help those around you understand your identity.
Pick someone that you know is supportive and LGBTQIA+ affirming to come out to first, it is so much easier to start the coming out process when you know that you will be met with love and support.
Don’t be afraid to come out by writing a letter, text, or email to someone. Writing it out can be much easier to do than expressing those feelings to someone verbally face to face.
Ensure that you are safe coming out. Unfortunately, not everyone is safe and supportive of the community. Ensure that you are safe and not risking essentials like housing, financial support, employment, etc.
“Does coming out mean that you risk losing emotional or financial support from your family? Could coming out put you in physical danger? Will your family try to pressure you into being someone you’re not? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to wait until you’re in a different situation or have more support” (Planned Parenthood Federation of America Inc., 2022).
Be prepared to explain your identity to individuals who may not respond positively. Not everyone can be happy and supportive immediately and may need to process, educate themselves, and grieve your previous identity.
Be prepared for individuals to “out” you to others. Unfortunately, some people don’t understand the coming out process and may accidentally or even intentionally reveal your identity to others without your consent. Understand that this is an unfortunate risk with coming out and be prepared to communicate with those around you that there are individuals you are not coming out to and be prepared for that information to be shared with others beyond your control.
Know that you do not owe anyone a coming out and you are allowed to keep your identity private for whatever reason you see fit.
Let your support system know when you plan to come out in situations you know are more difficult and stressful, and let your affirming community be there to uplift you and provide helpful insight into these situations. Having a good support system can help you cope when coming out doesn’t go as planned.
Be aware that coming out is unfortunately not a one-and-done experience and coming out can be a lifelong experience. You will always be educating individuals on your identity as you establish new relationships with new people that come into your life. “Every time an LGBTQ-identified person meets someone new (friends, co-workers, nurses and doctors, etc.), they have to decide if, when, and how to come out” (Planned Parenthood Federation of America Inc., 2022).
You may come out more than once!! Sexuality and Gender Identity are fluid and you may decide to change which labels you identify with as you grow, learn, and explore your identity. It is okay to come out more than once.
Where can I find support?
Find queer friends to share experiences with. If you don’t know anyone who identifies as a member of the community, join online groups, local support groups, visit queer bars or events, and get out there to meet other like-minded people to share your experiences with and to gain support from.
Follow LGBTQIA+ organizations and content creators online to immerse yourself in supportive queer culture.
Some wonderful organizations to follow and connect with: Athens Pride, FEMME Haus Productions, the NEGA LGBT Family (Facebook Group), UGA LGBTQ Resource Center, Athens Queer Collective, Pride Alliance (UGA), UGA Globes, Georgia Equality, Athens QTPOC (Queer & Trans People of Color) Group, Trans Women of Color Collective, Rainbow Kids, Girls Rock Athens, Athens LGBTQ Youth Group, Human Rights Campaign (HRC), The Trevor Project, and Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), Gendered Intelligence, Mermaids (Trans Youth Support), and so many more.
Here is a list of “43 LGBTQ Influencers that are Changing the Internet” that would be great to follow: https://everyqueer.com/lgbt-influencers/
Reach out to an LGBTQIA+ therapist or mental health service to support your mental health throughout the process. Getting Real Counseling Center is here to support you, but if you aren’t interested in working with us, find other affirming therapists near you to gain the support you deserve.
