How does starting a family impact you as a couple?
I recently was asked what couples should work on now before trying to conceive to improve their relationship so it is strong for when a baby does come. I love this question and the forethought it shows. What I have found in working with couples in therapy and my personal life is that whatever problems you have before you have kids, you will keep having those problems but they will feel bigger after you have a kid. The problems don’t go away and usually get bigger. If you already fight about or have tension in one area of your relationship (e.g., how to spend money, division of labor, time spent doing certain activities), it’s only natural that those fights will increase as you have greater demands on your time, money, and resources.
It’s vital to have important talks with your partner ahead of time to reduce fighting and increase time feeling like you are a team.
Set a budget and learn to stick to it. It will adjust and change after you have kids and you will have new categories but this is a helpful skill to put into place now. Talk about your values and priorities when it comes to spending money and have your budget reflect this. Do you value saving for education? For vacations (what types, how expensive)? Spending money now on things that make your life easier (e.g., diaper services, maid service, eating out)?
Have weekly or every other week meetings to discuss budgets, plans for the week/ month/ future, hopes/ wishes, unique stressors/ demands coming up, and how you can work to support each other best as partners. Don’t forget to include regular date nights so you remember the fun you have together as romantic partners, not just roommates.
Talk about the division of labor now and make adjustments as needed. Often in relationships, there is one person who keeps the “mental ticker/ to-do list” going in their head of all the things that need to be taken care of now, in the next few hours, next few days, months, or years. Don’t just wait to have these items delegated to you, take them on yourself and permanently cross them off your partner’s list. My favorite analogy of this is imagining two equal business partners. Both have areas of the business they run, focus on, are especially good at, and invested in growing or maintaining so that things run smoothly. In an equal partnership, one partner doesn’t hold the master list of all tasks and waits for the other partner to ask them “how can I help?” and wait to have tasks delegated to them (which is another task for the list-holding partner!). Each partner has their own to-do list going at all times. They may occasionally delegate something off their list or offer to help their partner with someone on their list, but they also have a lot of tasks that they complete from start to finish on their own– without reminders, nagging or excessive input from the other partner.
One of my favorite resources about this is the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. She identifies 60 tasks that most couples must divide to run their household smoothly. She encourages you to personalize your tasks and throw out any that might not matter to you or isn’t a priority. She also lists the 40 tasks that come into play once you add children into the mix. This helps both partners see how much unseen, unpaid labor is often done in a household and make sure they are spending time on the activities they value and prioritize, and be sure the division of those tasks is equitable, not equal.
The book also encourages partners to establish an agreed-upon standard of care for each task (including a time frame in which it will be completed) so there’s no more fighting about “what a clean bathroom really means” or micromanaging of the tasks or having one partner go behind the other partner re-doing the tasks. This can create resentment, frustration, and hurt and result in a lot of fights and tasks not getting done.
4. Discuss what type of parents you want to be before you have children. Are you an attachment-oriented parent? An authoritarian one? How do you feel about spanking? What do you envision when it comes to education, extracurricular activities, sports, and friendships for your kids? How will you spend your time? What are your limits on how you spend your time, money, and resources?
5. Do your own internal work. If you have wounds from your childhood (who doesn’t have some of those???), consider going to therapy, reading books, talking to friends, creating a self-care practice, or whatever else might help you work through these issues. You need to learn what your hot buttons are, who/ how they were installed, how to lessen their sensitivity and learn healthier ways to respond so that you can break the negative cycles that have played out in your own families.
