Why You Should See A Male Therapist Even If Men Have Hurt You
You can get empathy from someone who might surprise you. It may surprise you that a male therapist can offer a lot of empathy to your situation. Sometimes when we are hurt by men in our lives, it is hard to imagine that they can empathize with and understand our situation and especially understand how their actions could be hurtful to others. A good counselor (of any gender) can offer a lot of empathy and understanding and help you feel compassion and connection in a way that can produce much positive change. However, when there is empathy from a male therapist, you might feel even more validated and seen than when you receive it from a female therapist- especially if it is about a situation that mostly happens to women. I have heard men make empathic statements about sexual assault, the lack of feeling safe, labeling abusive or manipulative dynamics in relationships, etc. that hit me in a deeper way than the exact same statements from women. Something about men calling out the behavior of other men is healing. Men acknowledging that these behaviors can be hurtful or even abusive offers a validation that is deeper even than the validation that can happen from women. There is power in the shared understanding that can happen between people who are not male about the experience of not always feeling safe around men (particularly cisgender men) and this shared understanding carries with it its own sense of empowerment and connection. But, hearing that same validation from a cis man? That’s powerful.
In addition, while male therapists can’t understand everything that you have experienced in your life as a result of your gender, there is a deep power in having that acknowledged by your therapist. The reality is not all female or nonbinary therapists can understand your every experience either. However, you might expect them to (often unconsciously) and then be very disappointed or upset when they can’t do it.
You can learn to trust a man and realize he can provide a safe space. This is one of the big advantages of working with a male therapist. It can be very healing to work with a man after being hurt by men and working together to create a safe space and feel that healing, warmth, empathy, and connection. It’s especially powerful to feel this healing in a setting that is not sexual and never will be sexual, romantic, or even flirty. Learning to trust and connect with a man in a non-sexual way is, in itself, often healing. This might be both incredibly hard and incredibly helpful for people with an abuse history by men. It may take more time to build trust with a male therapist or mean that you have to wait until you are further along in your recovery before seeking therapy with a male therapist but it can definitely be worth it.
Male therapists may offer information and understanding about the men in your life that your non-male friends or therapist can’t offer. Male therapists can offer information about men and what men might be experiencing, thinking, or feeling in some ways because they often can relate to the men you are describing. It’s like having a spy on the inside. You can talk to someone who may have had similar socialization experiences, who have similar male privilege, and who has done the work to understand and acknowledge these experiences and how they may be harmful to others and work to not perpetuate those negative ways of being onto others.
Male therapists can challenge ideas about toxic masculinity and offer wonderful role models of what can be and show that men can have and express emotions in healthy ways. A good male therapist will be adept at recognizing, labeling, and expressing emotions in healthy ways. They help you develop skills in this area and offer a great model of how to do this. This can be reassuring to see that men are capable of learning these skills and can be inspiring to see what this looks like in practice. Watching men do this can also challenge negative patterns of toxic masculinity.
It gives you a chance to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with a man and provides a place to practice the healthy dynamics you want in your other relationships. Developing a healthy therapeutic relationship with your male therapist can offer relationship skills that you can then practice in your relationships outside of therapy. It can help you recognize patterns of behavior that you might fall into unconsciously with men and help you learn more adaptive ways of being. It offers you a safe space to learn a lot about yourself and a place to practice new, healthier ways of interacting and showing up in your relationships.
